guilty conscience

I am a pagan I don't have guilt over pleasures.

At least I thought I didn't.

I have let some of my chores go over the past few months, I find myself sitting to visit with Darrin and the next thing I know it's 5pm - our work day is done.  No guilt here.

Another thing I found myself doing was playing video games. Quick games, on my phone - a minute here or there... Something to do when a newly retired husband has the television on and he's watching something that I would never sit and watch. (Good grief! How many times can a person watch Hitler invade Poland?!) I can't blame everything on Darrin, this is totally me. One evening I realized I just felt all tense and unable to calm my mind, which led to my having guilt...

I have figured out that I don't need to play computer games.  I've enjoyed them since the first time I played "Pong" but now (old age?) they make me tense. I quit playing for a few weeks and then I played for three nights - just a half hour, more or less, in the late evening - and the way it made me feel was scary (not the good kind of scary). It finally dawned on me that I wasn't letting my mind wander and relax. Forget meditation, it was like my brain was in overdrive and looking for something, anything. Seriously, how can you know if your dreams come true if you don't take the time to actually dream?  I won't tell you that I'll never play them again, but for now I've put away the computer games and I'm getting back to basics.

Step 1: Breathe

Step 2: Light Candle and continue to breathe


~Sam

)O(

house cleaning

Autumn Equinox arrived Monday evening along with the waning moon and I was in overdrive to clean and throw out. For years I have seen all kinds of Spring cleaning ideas but in Spring I'm ready to break free and be outside - no time for house cleaning. In Autumn I am ready to be a homebody, to feather (and dust!) my nest ... I even cleaned windows and mopped!

Pumpkins (the fake ones for now, I'll wait and buy real ones in October) are dotted across my front porch and my marigolds have stayed pretty for me to have a bit of orange in the backyard.

My Monday evening ceremony was simple and easy (just like me). I got the idea for my celebration from Anni at This Witch's Way. Her calm, peaceful Mabon video comforted me and introduced a new way to celebrate this time of year. I made my own ritual to fit my life (doesn't everyone?). It is good to learn, and try, new things.

~Sam

)O(

the most wonderful time of the year

My favorite time of year has arrived. After weeks of travel, working in my sewing room (haven't sewn a thing - but oh, the peace!), reading, gardening (just a bit, way too hot for me to enjoy it) - at last! It feels like autumn is at the door. Cooler days and nights, the rustle of leaves, the early twilight.

Harvest Moon - September 2014

Have you noticed more and more witches?  This is the time of year to be witchy or pagany or both.  (Why is it strong women are so feared?)

I feel young again (truly a remarkable time of year)! 

~Sam

)O(

Margot, thanks for everything

I have just learned of the passing of Margot Adler (I got the news here: The Witching Hour, Patheos).  My heart is heavy. I had always hoped to meet her and tell her "Thank you, you changed my life."  I read her book Drawing Down the Moon in 2012 and I haven't been the same since. I had spent the previous decade resisting change, then I read her book and it was as if a magic door had been opened.

Just read that last line, no pun was intended but magic is the only word I know to use.  The only other thing that comes to mind is the line from the Wizard of Oz. "You've had the power all along my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself." 

So, dear Margot, wherever you are, thank you.

~Sam

)O(

summer light

I'm loving the heat, might as well, it will be hot here for at least six more weeks and true autumn won't show up at my door until the last week or so of October.  Trouble is I've noticed that the days are getting shorter and I want a little Happy Halloween right this minute.

Think. Think. Think.

So I take one horrible bird feeder - the woman I bought it from warned me (that's why she was selling it, 25 cents for a bird feeder that wouldn't let the seeds out for the birds!). 

I washed it and let it dry in the sun.  Then I waited until 7 pm to add a "candle" with a 5 hour timer.  So every night at 7 my little light glows and then shuts itself off at midnight. 

I've decided it's a fairy light.  Or maybe it's an outdoor night light.  Or maybe it's just what I need until I can carve a pumpkin and place it by my front door.

~Sam


)O(

still looking for my place in the world

"Wow! You are speaking to me today. I closed my blog for a few months and went to find myself. I am not sure what I went looking for, maybe a perfect life? Perfect is highly overrated. Something has stirred in me, I feel the need to write post on my blog again. Thanks for the affirmation." 

This is the comment I left Tuesday on Free Thoughts of Free Dragon. 

I have been searching for myself. At some point it dawned on me "Me is missing because I gave up what/who I was as if what makes me ME is unnecessary for my life." With a retired husband at home and at loose ends (who knew you have to work at being retired?) life can be tough. I tried to be his version of a normal wife - I put away my witchy books, put my altar in the back of the guest room closet. (These things have always been 'hidden' to Darrin and the outside world, I was just hiding them from me.)  I quit reading your wonderful blogs - your thoughts that teach me and help me feel like I belong, I gave up almost all of my practices and tried to make things all "normal."  I had hoped to fit in and be what he needed me to be. In less than two months I had trouble concentrating and I just felt 'nervous' all the time. By the end of the month of May, I was ready to go nuts!

The garden is still my place,
I love to be outdoors even in the heat and despite the mosquitoes.

Enough! I am what I am. I want my ME time. My space for ritual. My life. I am on a quest to set up a room of my own - I think of it as expanding my broom closet - and I have started once again to follow my routines. My slow start to morning (by that I mean quiet time, no computers or television, just me and the sunrise). My end of day rituals and visiting with the evening sky. I've even started being outside with out sunscreen for at least 10 minutes per day, sometimes longer. I feel better, I'm not sure why, I do use sunscreen during long days in the sun. I was reading something about Vitamin D and from there I read something else and before I knew it I decided to give it a try. So two months into this experiment I can tell you I feel healthier - yes, this may be all in my head, but since I live in my head, it works.

Darrin and I will continue to search for our happy place, a life that we both can live with. My beliefs still scare him, my lack of belief in his god scares him. At the same time I accept I need to grow stronger and assert myself, my needs and wishes are important, too. Our home office has become a bit of a junk room and so I'm going to make it my 'sewing room.' Sounds docile enough. A place to sew, and light candles, and speak words of my choosing, and, of course, read your blogs.

It feels right and good to be among the pagans and the witches once again.


~Sam

)O(

getting on with life

That I would have to search for a loving god makes it all the more clear to me that none exist - or if they do exist they have hidden themselves so well as to suggest they wish to be left alone.

Yes, in ancient times female was the god form. Now many religions favor the male, to the point where they insist no female was/is necessary. And I don't believe any of it.

Period.

I will leave this blog out here in blog land for the world to see. Maybe this is what can happen when you seriously search for a deity. Your search will lead back to humans who created gods in the first place - in their own image.

I take comfort that I am in charge of my life. No god is testing me. No good and loving god lets people suffer to "bring them closer to him" or "to make them pure."

When I first let go of god the thought of not seeing everyone in heaven caused me great pain but now I am able to accept that heaven was a nice dream.

We are fortunate to have been born at all. I hope the rest of humanity will figure this out and people will let go of the hateful gods they worship and really start living. That they will stop waiting (and wasting their lives!) for a god to make things all better. That they will get off their knees and off their asses and get up and get busy enjoying - LIVING - this one life we know we have.

This long, long winter has me restless for spring.

I'm not sure when I will post again. I used this blog to help me work out what I believe. I still love full moons and new moons. The seasons and the elements have special meaning in my life. Right now, I just want to get on with living, to do good while I can, and to get smarter every day. 

I would also like to raise chickens and learn to sing.

Thanks for reading my blog.


~Sam

)O(

change

A month into the Retired Life and I'm looking for change.  Is this normal?  I should tell you I am also reading Dance of the Dissident Daughter, a 1996 book by Sue Monk Kidd, only 30 pages into the book and I find myself grieving because I have "no goddess."  No female deity...  So many important women in my life and yet none of them was God.  So many times I heard "...if it's God's will.." or "God willing."  Like everything was up to the MAN in the sky.  This is my first book of the year.  Thanks to the blogger who suggested it - when I'm not angry or crying or fretting that I may have wasted my life away, I'm really enjoying this book.

My days are so full right now that I have only a bit of time to read at night.  We've been traveling and it's hard to pull out a book, even a small paperback, and read while visiting friends and family.  Still, something about this book has me hooked, and angry, and 'needing' to read it. 

The togetherness of retired life is strange.  I've learned new things about Darrin in the last 40 days - which is good (don't want us getting bored with each other).  This 24/7 lifestyle is not all bad, just very confining.  Now, instead of hopping in my car and going wherever I want to go, I'm expected to tell another person my plans.  Silly that it should bug me, I don't go anywhere clandestine, and, truthfully, I expect him to tell me what he's up to - it's just he wants to come along with me...  Really?  I'm popping over to shop for new nail polish or get a hair cut or whatever...  I'm just not used to the company.

Or maybe it's this book?  I've always deferred to others in my life.  Always put others first or at least I thought I did.  Maybe I had enough time on my own that I got the things done I wanted to do and still found time to do the things my loved ones needed me to help with and .... I don't know.

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm following through on the reading for Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf's 2014 Reading Challenge and looking for my goddess / female archetype.  Best of all, it feels good to be learning something new.

~Sam

)O(

something new

I am determined to keep learning as I age gracefully in our newly retired life.  I'm even trying something new with my blog. I've joined a reading group and added a new button to my side bar.  Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf's 2014 Reading Challenge sounds easy enough, I think I can read at least 5 books this year. 

I'm looking for witchy books to make me laugh and maybe teach me a thing or two.  Do you have any special plans for this year?  What's your favorite pagan / witchy book - your 'go to' book and how many times have you read it?

Happy 2014!

~ Sam