Monday, October 29, 2012

autumn mornings

Is there anything more wonderful than a bright autumn morning? 

I love this time of year, the crisp, cool - sometimes cold - morning air gives me energy to accomplish my daily tasks.  However, there is a sadness to this time of year, as society remembers the Salem Witch Trials and the gruesome history of religions who killed witches - the wise (mostly) women of their day.  Even today, there are places where people (in the name of their god or their fears) are killing "witches.'  So many that I even a found a blog, Hawkafrica, - there's probably more than one - it's amazing what you can find when you start 'Googling.'

My own opinion about this is folks have someone they do not like, someone they don't want around anymore, or someone they are envious of and so they label that person a witch and set about getting rid of them.  My history studies have led me to believe that many of the women killed long ago were just wise women that people in their town turned to for advice and the "church" became jealous of their knowledge and power so the church leaders labeled them "a witch" and this allowed them to be disposed of in the name of a god.  These witches were probably just like me - they had a disbelief in an impotent god and they knew they had the power / knowledge in themselves to get things done. 

What am I getting done today?  I am (finally) making me a witch hat.  Yes, a pointed beauty that I can wear on Halloween to greet my many visitors.  And, yes, I'll probably wear it other times when the moon and the mood are right.  I found a colorful one years ago and tried it on, it fit like it was made for me and Adam, who was with me at the time, said, "Mom, you should get that - - it looks like YOU."  But I didn't.  Because of my religious training, I had this tape that played in my head NO WITCH...NO WITCHES...NO WITCHY THINGS... NO WITCH...  Funny thing, witchy stuff just seems attracted to me.  As  I sit here typing away in my family room I can see a few gifts I've been given in the last couple of years that would make any witch proud.  Friends from Texas gave me a Christmas ornament - a beautiful pentagram "Texas Star."  (It's still out on the mantle because I couldn't find the box it came in to put it away after Christmas... and it looks so 'cute' hanging there for all the world to see and yet no one seems to recognize.)  A school mascot gnome that my sister in law sent to me (us) at the start of football season - for luck!   The carved face of a green man - carved in Germany, out of an oak tree - there are still bits of bark on him and he's beautiful (a gift from my husband because he 'just knew' I would like this silly thing because I'm "always in the garden..."), an apple pin from a friend who knows I collect apples (yes, I've always harbored the notion that Eve - the first woman mentioned in the Christian Bible - got a bad rap). 

Now these things may not say 'witch' to you, but they speak to me and that is what counts. 

I've always loved the expression "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."   Maybe it is true that when we are ready to accept ourselves and what we really are we can look around and see that we have been preparing for this all along.

So now, I'm ready for that hat, I've earned it, and yes, it is very me.

~ Sam


Thursday, October 25, 2012

becoming samantha

Thanks for joining me today. I don't see myself as a "blog every day" kind of person, but I do want to explain my situation a bit better.

I married my first husband when I was very young, making my parents happy and living the life I thought God had put me on this earth to live. We thought like this because our protestant christian faith told us to.

After only a few months I realized that I lived in fear of the man I had married and things did not improve until I figured out that no god - no good god - would want anyone to live like this. We divorced and I threw myself into my job. By and by, I met Darrin (who to this day tells me he was afraid of me when we first met!). He slowly won my heart and, eventually, I agreed to marry him (he and his parents and their parents, and so on, were catholic and it was marriage or hell - to make things easy for him, I went with marriage). I also refused to convert to his religion (and may have said a few unkind things about religion in general - I remember making the priest a bit uneasy) but, at last, we were married in a church in the presence of family and friends.

When I was pregnant that 'who am I, what am I here for' feeling began to call to me.  I began to search for God. I even took classes and joined the catholic church. Babies (Tabitha first - then Adam), life, friends, neighbors, new church friends - all this seemed to bring a new level of peace to our home. Life was nothing like my first marriage. Darrin has a sweetness that makes our time together so comforting. Sex was, and still can be, great. But during the last few years - maybe it's the fact that the kids have left home and I'm no longer 'mommie' - I have lost god. Not here, nope. Gone. Before you feel sorry for me - show me your god.

When I let go of the "I'm a sinner, even my thoughts are sin. I need a savior. Just have faith and the next life will be better than this one. Women must be silent, - - oh, and send your money to the following address..." way of thinking, life became the most beautiful experience. I swear. I can do that now. Swear. Swear. Swear. I tell the truth not because I fear hell, but because I want to live in the here and now.

I guess that brings me to the Samantha issue. When I tried to talk to Darrin about all this he became afraid for me. Yes, he's still got hell on the brain and he loves me. To try to explain that not only do I not worship a god but I also believe in my own witchyness would (I'm afraid) freak the poor man out. I love this man and have no desire to get rid of him. I love our history - the life story - that the two of us are creating and have been working on almost 30 years. So, in an effort to keep him happy and not have him worry, I entered my broom closet and set up shop. I have my books and lists and diaries to remember what has happened and to, occassionally, try things again just to make sure... By the way, sporting events have never been within my power to control, I'm probably not as strong as I think I am.

But a witch is strong. Her (or his) actions and thoughts have meaning and strength.


I'm sure someday science will discover what this is all about and call this a 'law of nature' and everyone will be taught how to work with the gift. For now, I do know (first hand knowledge and probably subject of another post) this is a big part of my magick. I am continuing to learn, I don't have all the answers, but it's in my questioning and learning that I have a contented happiness.

So when I light a candle and sit in the darkness, give thanks to the elements for their constant help, say a prayer to the essence of life and all creation - then I am at worship.  This makes a lot more sense to me than a quick trip to the local, tax free establishment that seems more interested in attaining and keeping power and wealth than anything else.   For the record, I think most people are good and seek to do good but the establishment, the ruling body - the guys with the power and money - are in it for the power and money.  Period.  Just as in the days of Constantine, they have figured out how to promise an unseen and unknown heaven so that they can control the here and now.

I gave up trying to explain things to Darrin. When good things happen I just tell him we are blessed. (He sees this as his god fixing things for us - and I have to bite my tongue to keep from asking "If your god is so good, why did HE let this shit happen in the first place?")  When we go through storms (real weather related events or just the junk that life throws at us) and he marvels at how calm I am, I just say "I am what I am."

And what I am is a woman, a solitary practicing witch. I'm not a wiccan but I do love the expression: "To Know, To Dare, To Will, To Keep Silent."

What creed do you live by? Does it serve you or do you serve it?  


P.S.  Yes, I realize if I'm blogging I am not 'keeping silent.'  Let's face it, I'm human and seek friendships with like minded people.  In real life I am totally in the closet and must stay so for love and life (who knew when you really got involved in church so many of the people you associate with are 'churchy' and will have nothing to do with someone who refuses to worship as they do?).  I also want to blog because I feel there are lots of people in the world, especially women, who are starting to realize the big three monotheistic religions really hate women, but that discussion will have to wait for another day.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

i just have to talk to someone

Remember "Bewitched" the 1960's t.v. sitcom about a witch who marries a mortal and waits until their wedding night to tell him she's a witch? Really - how believable was that? Their wedding night? Why did she wait? We all know what happened, they lived happily ever after in t.v. land with little witchy things happening, babies arriving, in-law troubles, and crazy neighbors. Samantha tried not to use her witchcraft and Darrin loved her more when she acted normal - which she wasn't (or did he love her for trying to be more like him?). Let's be honest, he adored her for not using witchcraft, unless, of course, he needed a little something then she could witch on.

Well, if you'll believe that, will you believe that a woman married a man in the 1980's and tried to be everything he wanted in a wife because she loved him? She tried his religion, learned to love football, quit work to stay home with their kids, and gave up tea in the morning for coffee all because she loved her man .... and I still do. Only my dear husband has just announced he will retire next year. So I have about 13 months to decide if I should tell him

"Darrin, I'm a witch."

This should be interesting and I'm not sure if I will tell him or just keep myself tucked cleverly away in the broom closet.

This could be a wild ride. 

Are you with me? 

~ Sam