Wednesday, June 18, 2014

still looking for my place in the world

"Wow! You are speaking to me today. I closed my blog for a few months and went to find myself. I am not sure what I went looking for, maybe a perfect life? Perfect is highly overrated. Something has stirred in me, I feel the need to write post on my blog again. Thanks for the affirmation." 

This is the comment I left Tuesday on Free Thoughts of Free Dragon

I have been searching for myself. At some point it dawned on me "Me is missing because I gave up what/who I was as if what makes me ME is unnecessary for my life." With a retired husband at home and at loose ends (who knew you have to work at being retired?) life can be tough. I tried to be his version of a normal wife - I put away my witchy books, put my altar in the back of the guest room closet. (These things have always been 'hidden' to Darrin and the outside world, I was just hiding them from me.)  I quit reading your wonderful blogs - your thoughts that teach me and help me feel like I belong, I gave up almost all of my practices and tried to make things all "normal."  I had hoped to fit in and be what he needed me to be. In less than two months I had trouble concentrating and I just felt 'nervous' all the time. By the end of the month of May, I was ready to go nuts!

The garden is still my place,
I love to be outdoors even in the heat and despite the mosquitoes.

Enough! I am what I am. I want my ME time. My space for ritual. My life. I am on a quest to set up a room of my own - I think of it as expanding my broom closet - and I have started once again to follow my routines. My slow start to morning (by that I mean quiet time, no computers or television, just me and the sunrise). My end of day rituals and visiting with the evening sky. I've even started being outside with out sunscreen for at least 10 minutes per day, sometimes longer. I feel better, I'm not sure why, I do use sunscreen during long days in the sun. I was reading something about Vitamin D and from there I read something else and before I knew it I decided to give it a try. So two months into this experiment I can tell you I feel healthier - yes, this may be all in my head, but since I live in my head, it works.

Darrin and I will continue to search for our happy place, a life that we both can live with. My beliefs still scare him, my lack of belief in his god scares him. At the same time I accept I need to grow stronger and assert myself, my needs and wishes are important, too. Our home office has become a bit of a junk room and so I'm going to make it my 'sewing room.' Sounds docile enough. A place to sew, and light candles, and speak words of my choosing, and, of course, read your blogs.

It feels right and good to be among the pagans and the witches once again.


~Sam

)O(

Saturday, March 1, 2014

getting on with life

That I would have to search for a loving god makes it all the more clear to me that none exist - or if they do exist they have hidden themselves so well as to suggest they wish to be left alone.

Yes, in ancient times female was the god form. Now many religions favor the male, to the point where they insist no female was/is necessary. And I don't believe any of it.

Period.

I will leave this blog out here in blog land for the world to see. Maybe this is what can happen when you seriously search for a deity. Your search will lead back to humans who created gods in the first place - in their own image.

I take comfort that I am in charge of my life. No god is testing me. No good and loving god lets people suffer to "bring them closer to him" or "to make them pure."

When I first let go of god the thought of not seeing everyone in heaven caused me great pain but now I am able to accept that heaven was a nice dream.

We are fortunate to have been born at all. I hope the rest of humanity will figure this out and people will let go of the hateful gods they worship and really start living. That they will stop waiting (and wasting their lives!) for a god to make things all better. That they will get off their knees and off their asses and get up and get busy enjoying - LIVING - this one life we know we have.

This long, long winter has me restless for spring.

I'm not sure when I will post again. I used this blog to help me work out what I believe. I still love full moons and new moons. The seasons and the elements have special meaning in my life. Right now, I just want to get on with living, to do good while I can, and to get smarter every day. 

I would also like to raise chickens and learn to sing.

Thanks for reading my blog.


~Sam

)O(

Friday, January 24, 2014

change

A month into the Retired Life and I'm looking for change.  Is this normal?  I should tell you I am also reading Dance of the Dissident Daughter, a 1996 book by Sue Monk Kidd, only 30 pages into the book and I find myself grieving because I have "no goddess."  No female deity...  So many important women in my life and yet none of them was God.  So many times I heard "...if it's God's will.." or "God willing."  Like everything was up to the MAN in the sky.  This is my first book of the year.  Thanks to the blogger who suggested it - when I'm not angry or crying or fretting that I may have wasted my life away, I'm really enjoying this book.



My days are so full right now that I have only a bit of time to read at night.  We've been traveling and it's hard to pull out a book, even a small paperback, and read while visiting friends and family.  Still, something about this book has me hooked, and angry, and 'needing' to read it. 

The togetherness of retired life is strange.  I've learned new things about Darrin in the last 40 days - which is good (don't want us getting bored with each other).  This 24/7 lifestyle is not all bad, just very confining.  Now, instead of hopping in my car and going wherever I want to go, I'm expected to tell another person my plans.  Silly that it should bug me, I don't go anywhere clandestine, and, truthfully, I expect him to tell me what he's up to - it's just he wants to come along with me...  Really?  I'm popping over to shop for new nail polish or get a hair cut or whatever...  I'm just not used to the company.

Or maybe it's this book?  I've always deferred to others in my life.  Always put others first or at least I thought I did.  Maybe I had enough time on my own that I got the things done I wanted to do and still found time to do the things my loved ones needed me to help with and .... I don't know.

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm following through on the reading for Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf's 2014 Reading Challenge and looking for my goddess / female archetype.  Best of all, it feels good to be learning something new.

~Sam

)O(

Thursday, January 2, 2014

something new

I am determined to keep learning as I age gracefully in our newly retired life.  I'm even trying something new with my blog. I've joined a reading group and added a new button to my side bar.  Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf's 2014 Reading Challenge sounds easy enough, I think I can read at least 5 books this year. 



I'm looking for witchy books to make me laugh and maybe teach me a thing or two.  Do you have any special plans for this year?  What's your favorite pagan / witchy book - your 'go to' book and how many times have you read it?

Happy 2014!

~ Sam

Sunday, December 15, 2013

christmas has become yule

I have collected Christmas tree ornaments since the year dot. My collection includes lots of Santas, several angels, plenty of stars and bells, and a half dozen or so Joseph, Mary, and the Baby Jesus - in various poses.  As my beliefs have changed some of the old ornaments have lost their meaning and I no longer want them on my tree.  Sure, I share my life with Darrin, but he's always left the decorating up to me.  I'm curious to see if he or anyone notices my pagan beauty.  Since I'm the one decorating it (and cleaning up afterwards) I tend to think of it as my tree.

My Yule tree.
 
My celebration of the return of light to the world. 



Paulette at Having Written left a comment on my last post about how she decorates her Yule tree and I kept those words close to me as I decorated this year. For the last couple of years I have reduced the Christian symbols and increased the bells and stars. The Santas can stay - they remind me of gnomes and in my home are a symbol of the earth. The bells remind me of air, the lights and stars are my fire. Snowflakes represent water in its winter form. 

As I sit here in my favorite chair, glowing almost as much as my beautiful tree, I am so proud of how far I have come. I don't worship anything these days, however, I have a respect for the earth and time and life that has made me grateful and happy and content.

Whatever you are celebrating this week I wish you joy.

~Sam

)O(

Friday, October 25, 2013

change and hope

A little more than two months and Darrin and I will be retired. I've spent the last several months bringing up little things - and taking down a few things. Most of the Christian symbols I have put away. My decorating has gone to pictures of nature, a couple of quilted wall hangings, and (this was big for me) my broom collection is on display. Notice I said most of the Christian symbols are gone, not all. I'm trying to balance out both sets of beliefs and still (ever so gently) trying to explain to Darrin how much I love him, how much my beliefs have changed, and how much I love him. Know what I mean?

I am happy (and amazed) to report that he may have actually heard, understood, and accepted what I've told him.



A couple of Saturdays ago we got up early to walk to our friends' house - we had been invited for breakfast and since they live less than a mile, we decided it was a perfect opportunity for a little exercise. I was still getting dressed when I heard Darrin talking to someone at the front door. When I came into the living room no one was there. Turns out the Jehovah Witnesses were out in the neighbor and when they stopped by Darrin simply told them no thanks. He said he thought about making them wait to let me talk with them (with all the bible studying I've done in my life I'm quite good at taking folks on, verse by verse). Then he looked at me and said, "Next time someone comes to the door I'm going to tell them Let me get my wife. She's a witch."

I hugged him and said, "You do that."

Either the spirit of Halloween is making him more playful or maybe he's starting to see the light.

Life is good.

Then again, maybe it's that broom collection.

~Sam

)O(

Friday, October 11, 2013

my rock


I get my best work done following the light of the moon. Maybe it's just an old habit or maybe there is some ancient wisdom at work that guides me to:  'Plant' with the waxing crescent, nurture until the full moon, rejoice with the full moon ('dance by the light of the moon'), relax and take inventory as the moon begins to wane, and (this is important)dump/throw out/ get rid of stuff (energy, negative thoughts, things I no longer want or need, trash, etc.) from the waning crescent until the new moon, finally - to rest with the new moon. 


This schedule became clear to me after I stopped having a period.  I guess without a monthly cycle to guide me, I was left to my own devises and at some point a couple of years back I realized I still lived 'by the moon.'

If I'm ever uptight or worried I try to calm myself by going out to check the moon. There's just something about taking a few minutes to acknowledge this heavenly body that calms me and helps me focus. I don't worship the moon. I enjoy it. I love the mystery and wonder attached to it. It is my rock.

Are you a 'moonie?'

~Sam

)O(