still looking for my place in the world

"Wow! You are speaking to me today. I closed my blog for a few months and went to find myself. I am not sure what I went looking for, maybe a perfect life? Perfect is highly overrated. Something has stirred in me, I feel the need to write post on my blog again. Thanks for the affirmation." 

This is the comment I left Tuesday on Free Thoughts of Free Dragon. 

I have been searching for myself. At some point it dawned on me "Me is missing because I gave up what/who I was as if what makes me ME is unnecessary for my life." With a retired husband at home and at loose ends (who knew you have to work at being retired?) life can be tough. I tried to be his version of a normal wife - I put away my witchy books, put my altar in the back of the guest room closet. (These things have always been 'hidden' to Darrin and the outside world, I was just hiding them from me.)  I quit reading your wonderful blogs - your thoughts that teach me and help me feel like I belong, I gave up almost all of my practices and tried to make things all "normal."  I had hoped to fit in and be what he needed me to be. In less than two months I had trouble concentrating and I just felt 'nervous' all the time. By the end of the month of May, I was ready to go nuts!

The garden is still my place,
I love to be outdoors even in the heat and despite the mosquitoes.

Enough! I am what I am. I want my ME time. My space for ritual. My life. I am on a quest to set up a room of my own - I think of it as expanding my broom closet - and I have started once again to follow my routines. My slow start to morning (by that I mean quiet time, no computers or television, just me and the sunrise). My end of day rituals and visiting with the evening sky. I've even started being outside with out sunscreen for at least 10 minutes per day, sometimes longer. I feel better, I'm not sure why, I do use sunscreen during long days in the sun. I was reading something about Vitamin D and from there I read something else and before I knew it I decided to give it a try. So two months into this experiment I can tell you I feel healthier - yes, this may be all in my head, but since I live in my head, it works.

Darrin and I will continue to search for our happy place, a life that we both can live with. My beliefs still scare him, my lack of belief in his god scares him. At the same time I accept I need to grow stronger and assert myself, my needs and wishes are important, too. Our home office has become a bit of a junk room and so I'm going to make it my 'sewing room.' Sounds docile enough. A place to sew, and light candles, and speak words of my choosing, and, of course, read your blogs.

It feels right and good to be among the pagans and the witches once again.


~Sam

)O(