I married my first husband when I was very young, making my parents happy and living the life I thought God had put me on this earth to live. We thought like this because our protestant christian faith told us to.
After only a few months I realized that I lived in fear of the man I had married and things did not improve until I figured out that no god - no good god - would want anyone to live like this. We divorced and I threw myself into my job. By and by, I met Darrin (who to this day tells me he was afraid of me when we first met!). He slowly won my heart and, eventually, I agreed to marry him (he and his parents and their parents, and so on, were catholic and it was marriage or hell - to make things easy for him, I went with marriage). I also refused to convert to his religion (and may have said a few unkind things about religion in general - I remember making the priest a bit uneasy) but, at last, we were married in a church in the presence of family and friends.
When I was pregnant that 'who am I, what am I here for' feeling began to call to me. I began to search for God. I even took classes and joined the catholic church. Babies (Tabitha first - then Adam), life, friends, neighbors, new church friends - all this seemed to bring a new level of peace to our home. Life was nothing like my first marriage. Darrin has a sweetness that makes our time together so comforting. Sex was, and still can be, great. But during the last few years - maybe it's the fact that the kids have left home and I'm no longer 'mommie' - I have lost god. Not here, nope. Gone. Before you feel sorry for me - show me your god.
When I let go of the "I'm a sinner, even my thoughts are sin. I need a savior. Just have faith and the next life will be better than this one. Women must be silent, - - oh, and send your money to the following address..." way of thinking, life became the most beautiful experience. I swear. I can do that now. Swear. Swear. Swear. I tell the truth not because I fear hell, but because I want to live in the here and now.
I guess that brings me to the Samantha issue. When I tried to talk to Darrin about all this he became afraid for me. Yes, he's still got hell on the brain and he loves me. To try to explain that not only do I not worship a god but I also believe in my own witchyness would (I'm afraid) freak the poor man out. I love this man and have no desire to get rid of him. I love our history - the life story - that the two of us are creating and have been working on almost 30 years. So, in an effort to keep him happy and not have him worry, I entered my broom closet and set up shop. I have my books and lists and diaries to remember what has happened and to, occassionally, try things again just to make sure... By the way, sporting events have never been within my power to control, I'm probably not as strong as I think I am.
But a witch is strong. Her (or his) actions and thoughts have meaning and strength.
THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS
I'm sure someday science will discover what this is all about and call this a 'law of nature' and everyone will be taught how to work with the gift. For now, I do know (first hand knowledge and probably subject of another post) this is a big part of my magick. I am continuing to learn, I don't have all the answers, but it's in my questioning and learning that I have a contented happiness.
So when I light a candle and sit in the darkness, give thanks to the elements for their constant help, say a prayer to the essence of life and all creation - then I am at worship. This makes a lot more sense to me than a quick trip to the local, tax free establishment that seems more interested in attaining and keeping power and wealth than anything else. For the record, I think most people are good and seek to do good but the establishment, the ruling body - the guys with the power and money - are in it for the power and money. Period. Just as in the days of Constantine, they have figured out how to promise an unseen and unknown heaven so that they can control the here and now.
I gave up trying to explain things to Darrin. When good things happen I just tell him we are blessed. (He sees this as his god fixing things for us - and I have to bite my tongue to keep from asking "If your god is so good, why did HE let this shit happen in the first place?") When we go through storms (real weather related events or just the junk that life throws at us) and he marvels at how calm I am, I just say "I am what I am."
And what I am is a woman, a solitary practicing witch. I'm not a wiccan but I do love the expression: "To Know, To Dare, To Will, To Keep Silent."
What creed do you live by? Does it serve you or do you serve it?
~ Sam
P.S. Yes, I realize if I'm blogging I am not 'keeping silent.' Let's face it, I'm human and seek friendships with like minded people. In real life I am totally in the closet and must stay so for love and life (who knew when you really got involved in church so many of the people you associate with are 'churchy' and will have nothing to do with someone who refuses to worship as they do?). I also want to blog because I feel there are lots of people in the world, especially women, who are starting to realize the big three monotheistic religions really hate women, but that discussion will have to wait for another day.
)O(
Blogging is a super way to stay anonymous and yet reach out and interact with like-minded people. The blogosphere makes distance and geography irrelevant.
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