bitter sweet

I had lots of fun yesterday, all dressed up and no one to tell me how godless and terrible witches are.  I wore a bit more makeup than I usually do and tried to look my best.  I don't do "scary" and I have never worn a mask with a green witch face.  I see the world view of Halloween as just a fantasy of witchyness, just trying to stir up a christian fear so that everyone will look to a lone male god for protection. 

After all the trick or treaters were gone and the house was quiet, I sat alone with my candles and thought of loved ones no longer here.  At some point, I walked out on the patio and stared at that big, old moon.  I told it and everyone good night.  Just before I turned to walk back into the house I could smell lavender everywhere!  I got so excited, was this it?  Had my paternal grandma come by to say good night to me?  Then I remembered I had bundles of lavender drying here under the eaves...  Still for a moment...

 

As I mentioned in my last post, this time of year always brings along a sadness of knowing so many people were killed because they were labeled 'witch.'  But a new level of sadness was added when I read The Halloween Witch a post by Angel at The Country Witch's Cottage.  This post actually brought tears to my eyes.  I never thought about the reason witches are depicted with green faces.  Like some of her other readers I just thought it was done to make us look bad. 

My break with organized religions that act as if the male is all that is needed (all that matters) is not completely over.  I still, on occasion, attend church with Darrin.  He expects it, the neighbors do too - and the folks at church.  I worry that even my children would have trouble with mom giving up 'church' (even though neither one is attending a church at the moment).  

This closet business is hard, but not as hard as I believe the coming out would be.  I don't think I would be physically tortured, but I do fear rejection and loneliness.  So many blogs I follow don't realize what a comfort they are to me, friends in the blogging world make my life better just by being there and posting their thoughts and stories of their lives.  On the other hand, friends I visit with in "real life" have little or no clue about who I really am.  So in my heart and mind I have much conflict with all this. 

This is my New Year's resolution:  To figure out a way to meet and become friends with others like me in my community.  Not sure how I will do this... 

Any suggestions?


~ Sam

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