guilty conscience

I am a pagan I don't have guilt over pleasures.

At least I thought I didn't.

I have let some of my chores go over the past few months, I find myself sitting to visit with Darrin and the next thing I know it's 5pm - our work day is done.  No guilt here.

Another thing I found myself doing was playing video games. Quick games, on my phone - a minute here or there... Something to do when a newly retired husband has the television on and he's watching something that I would never sit and watch. (Good grief! How many times can a person watch Hitler invade Poland?!) I can't blame everything on Darrin, this is totally me. One evening I realized I just felt all tense and unable to calm my mind, which led to my having guilt...

I have figured out that I don't need to play computer games.  I've enjoyed them since the first time I played "Pong" but now (old age?) they make me tense. I quit playing for a few weeks and then I played for three nights - just a half hour, more or less, in the late evening - and the way it made me feel was scary (not the good kind of scary). It finally dawned on me that I wasn't letting my mind wander and relax. Forget meditation, it was like my brain was in overdrive and looking for something, anything. Seriously, how can you know if your dreams come true if you don't take the time to actually dream?  I won't tell you that I'll never play them again, but for now I've put away the computer games and I'm getting back to basics.

Step 1: Breathe

Step 2: Light Candle and continue to breathe


~Sam

)O(

house cleaning

Autumn Equinox arrived Monday evening along with the waning moon and I was in overdrive to clean and throw out. For years I have seen all kinds of Spring cleaning ideas but in Spring I'm ready to break free and be outside - no time for house cleaning. In Autumn I am ready to be a homebody, to feather (and dust!) my nest ... I even cleaned windows and mopped!

Pumpkins (the fake ones for now, I'll wait and buy real ones in October) are dotted across my front porch and my marigolds have stayed pretty for me to have a bit of orange in the backyard.

My Monday evening ceremony was simple and easy (just like me). I got the idea for my celebration from Anni at This Witch's Way. Her calm, peaceful Mabon video comforted me and introduced a new way to celebrate this time of year. I made my own ritual to fit my life (doesn't everyone?). It is good to learn, and try, new things.

~Sam

)O(

the most wonderful time of the year

My favorite time of year has arrived. After weeks of travel, working in my sewing room (haven't sewn a thing - but oh, the peace!), reading, gardening (just a bit, way too hot for me to enjoy it) - at last! It feels like autumn is at the door. Cooler days and nights, the rustle of leaves, the early twilight.

Harvest Moon - September 2014

Have you noticed more and more witches?  This is the time of year to be witchy or pagany or both.  (Why is it strong women are so feared?)

I feel young again (truly a remarkable time of year)! 

~Sam

)O(

Margot, thanks for everything

I have just learned of the passing of Margot Adler (I got the news here: The Witching Hour, Patheos).  My heart is heavy. I had always hoped to meet her and tell her "Thank you, you changed my life."  I read her book Drawing Down the Moon in 2012 and I haven't been the same since. I had spent the previous decade resisting change, then I read her book and it was as if a magic door had been opened.

Just read that last line, no pun was intended but magic is the only word I know to use.  The only other thing that comes to mind is the line from the Wizard of Oz. "You've had the power all along my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself." 

So, dear Margot, wherever you are, thank you.

~Sam

)O(

summer light

I'm loving the heat, might as well, it will be hot here for at least six more weeks and true autumn won't show up at my door until the last week or so of October.  Trouble is I've noticed that the days are getting shorter and I want a little Happy Halloween right this minute.

Think. Think. Think.

So I take one horrible bird feeder - the woman I bought it from warned me (that's why she was selling it, 25 cents for a bird feeder that wouldn't let the seeds out for the birds!). 

I washed it and let it dry in the sun.  Then I waited until 7 pm to add a "candle" with a 5 hour timer.  So every night at 7 my little light glows and then shuts itself off at midnight. 

I've decided it's a fairy light.  Or maybe it's an outdoor night light.  Or maybe it's just what I need until I can carve a pumpkin and place it by my front door.

~Sam


)O(

still looking for my place in the world

"Wow! You are speaking to me today. I closed my blog for a few months and went to find myself. I am not sure what I went looking for, maybe a perfect life? Perfect is highly overrated. Something has stirred in me, I feel the need to write post on my blog again. Thanks for the affirmation." 

This is the comment I left Tuesday on Free Thoughts of Free Dragon. 

I have been searching for myself. At some point it dawned on me "Me is missing because I gave up what/who I was as if what makes me ME is unnecessary for my life." With a retired husband at home and at loose ends (who knew you have to work at being retired?) life can be tough. I tried to be his version of a normal wife - I put away my witchy books, put my altar in the back of the guest room closet. (These things have always been 'hidden' to Darrin and the outside world, I was just hiding them from me.)  I quit reading your wonderful blogs - your thoughts that teach me and help me feel like I belong, I gave up almost all of my practices and tried to make things all "normal."  I had hoped to fit in and be what he needed me to be. In less than two months I had trouble concentrating and I just felt 'nervous' all the time. By the end of the month of May, I was ready to go nuts!

The garden is still my place,
I love to be outdoors even in the heat and despite the mosquitoes.

Enough! I am what I am. I want my ME time. My space for ritual. My life. I am on a quest to set up a room of my own - I think of it as expanding my broom closet - and I have started once again to follow my routines. My slow start to morning (by that I mean quiet time, no computers or television, just me and the sunrise). My end of day rituals and visiting with the evening sky. I've even started being outside with out sunscreen for at least 10 minutes per day, sometimes longer. I feel better, I'm not sure why, I do use sunscreen during long days in the sun. I was reading something about Vitamin D and from there I read something else and before I knew it I decided to give it a try. So two months into this experiment I can tell you I feel healthier - yes, this may be all in my head, but since I live in my head, it works.

Darrin and I will continue to search for our happy place, a life that we both can live with. My beliefs still scare him, my lack of belief in his god scares him. At the same time I accept I need to grow stronger and assert myself, my needs and wishes are important, too. Our home office has become a bit of a junk room and so I'm going to make it my 'sewing room.' Sounds docile enough. A place to sew, and light candles, and speak words of my choosing, and, of course, read your blogs.

It feels right and good to be among the pagans and the witches once again.


~Sam

)O(

getting on with life

That I would have to search for a loving god makes it all the more clear to me that none exist - or if they do exist they have hidden themselves so well as to suggest they wish to be left alone.

Yes, in ancient times female was the god form. Now many religions favor the male, to the point where they insist no female was/is necessary. And I don't believe any of it.

Period.

I will leave this blog out here in blog land for the world to see. Maybe this is what can happen when you seriously search for a deity. Your search will lead back to humans who created gods in the first place - in their own image.

I take comfort that I am in charge of my life. No god is testing me. No good and loving god lets people suffer to "bring them closer to him" or "to make them pure."

When I first let go of god the thought of not seeing everyone in heaven caused me great pain but now I am able to accept that heaven was a nice dream.

We are fortunate to have been born at all. I hope the rest of humanity will figure this out and people will let go of the hateful gods they worship and really start living. That they will stop waiting (and wasting their lives!) for a god to make things all better. That they will get off their knees and off their asses and get up and get busy enjoying - LIVING - this one life we know we have.

This long, long winter has me restless for spring.

I'm not sure when I will post again. I used this blog to help me work out what I believe. I still love full moons and new moons. The seasons and the elements have special meaning in my life. Right now, I just want to get on with living, to do good while I can, and to get smarter every day. 

I would also like to raise chickens and learn to sing.

Thanks for reading my blog.


~Sam

)O(

change

A month into the Retired Life and I'm looking for change.  Is this normal?  I should tell you I am also reading Dance of the Dissident Daughter, a 1996 book by Sue Monk Kidd, only 30 pages into the book and I find myself grieving because I have "no goddess."  No female deity...  So many important women in my life and yet none of them was God.  So many times I heard "...if it's God's will.." or "God willing."  Like everything was up to the MAN in the sky.  This is my first book of the year.  Thanks to the blogger who suggested it - when I'm not angry or crying or fretting that I may have wasted my life away, I'm really enjoying this book.

My days are so full right now that I have only a bit of time to read at night.  We've been traveling and it's hard to pull out a book, even a small paperback, and read while visiting friends and family.  Still, something about this book has me hooked, and angry, and 'needing' to read it. 

The togetherness of retired life is strange.  I've learned new things about Darrin in the last 40 days - which is good (don't want us getting bored with each other).  This 24/7 lifestyle is not all bad, just very confining.  Now, instead of hopping in my car and going wherever I want to go, I'm expected to tell another person my plans.  Silly that it should bug me, I don't go anywhere clandestine, and, truthfully, I expect him to tell me what he's up to - it's just he wants to come along with me...  Really?  I'm popping over to shop for new nail polish or get a hair cut or whatever...  I'm just not used to the company.

Or maybe it's this book?  I've always deferred to others in my life.  Always put others first or at least I thought I did.  Maybe I had enough time on my own that I got the things done I wanted to do and still found time to do the things my loved ones needed me to help with and .... I don't know.

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm following through on the reading for Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf's 2014 Reading Challenge and looking for my goddess / female archetype.  Best of all, it feels good to be learning something new.

~Sam

)O(

something new

I am determined to keep learning as I age gracefully in our newly retired life.  I'm even trying something new with my blog. I've joined a reading group and added a new button to my side bar.  Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf's 2014 Reading Challenge sounds easy enough, I think I can read at least 5 books this year. 

I'm looking for witchy books to make me laugh and maybe teach me a thing or two.  Do you have any special plans for this year?  What's your favorite pagan / witchy book - your 'go to' book and how many times have you read it?

Happy 2014!

~ Sam

christmas has become yule

I have collected Christmas tree ornaments since the year dot. My collection includes lots of Santas, several angels, plenty of stars and bells, and a half dozen or so Joseph, Mary, and the Baby Jesus - in various poses.  As my beliefs have changed some of the old ornaments have lost their meaning and I no longer want them on my tree.  Sure, I share my life with Darrin, but he's always left the decorating up to me.  I'm curious to see if he or anyone notices my pagan beauty.  Since I'm the one decorating it (and cleaning up afterwards) I tend to think of it as my tree.

My Yule tree.

 

My celebration of the return of light to the world. 

Paulette at Having Written left a comment on my last post about how she decorates her Yule tree and I kept those words close to me as I decorated this year. For the last couple of years I have reduced the Christian symbols and increased the bells and stars. The Santas can stay - they remind me of gnomes and in my home are a symbol of the earth. The bells remind me of air, the lights and stars are my fire. Snowflakes represent water in its winter form. 

As I sit here in my favorite chair, glowing almost as much as my beautiful tree, I am so proud of how far I have come. I don't worship anything these days, however, I have a respect for the earth and time and life that has made me grateful and happy and content.

Whatever you are celebrating this week I wish you joy.

~Sam

)O(

change and hope

A little more than two months and Darrin and I will be retired. I've spent the last several months bringing up little things - and taking down a few things. Most of the Christian symbols I have put away. My decorating has gone to pictures of nature, a couple of quilted wall hangings, and (this was big for me) my broom collection is on display. Notice I said most of the Christian symbols are gone, not all. I'm trying to balance out both sets of beliefs and still (ever so gently) trying to explain to Darrin how much I love him, how much my beliefs have changed, and how much I love him. Know what I mean?

I am happy (and amazed) to report that he may have actually heard, understood, and accepted what I've told him.

A couple of Saturdays ago we got up early to walk to our friends' house - we had been invited for breakfast and since they live less than a mile, we decided it was a perfect opportunity for a little exercise. I was still getting dressed when I heard Darrin talking to someone at the front door. When I came into the living room no one was there. Turns out the Jehovah Witnesses were out in the neighbor and when they stopped by Darrin simply told them no thanks. He said he thought about making them wait to let me talk with them (with all the bible studying I've done in my life I'm quite good at taking folks on, verse by verse). Then he looked at me and said, "Next time someone comes to the door I'm going to tell them Let me get my wife. She's a witch."

I hugged him and said, "You do that."

Either the spirit of Halloween is making him more playful or maybe he's starting to see the light.

Life is good.

Then again, maybe it's that broom collection.

~Sam

)O(

my rock

I get my best work done following the light of the moon. Maybe it's just an old habit or maybe there is some ancient wisdom at work that guides me to:  'Plant' with the waxing crescent, nurture until the full moon, rejoice with the full moon ('dance by the light of the moon'), relax and take inventory as the moon begins to wane, and (this is important)dump/throw out/ get rid of stuff (energy, negative thoughts, things I no longer want or need, trash, etc.) from the waning crescent until the new moon, finally - to rest with the new moon. 

This schedule became clear to me after I stopped having a period.  I guess without a monthly cycle to guide me, I was left to my own devises and at some point a couple of years back I realized I still lived 'by the moon.'

If I'm ever uptight or worried I try to calm myself by going out to check the moon. There's just something about taking a few minutes to acknowledge this heavenly body that calms me and helps me focus. I don't worship the moon. I enjoy it. I love the mystery and wonder attached to it. It is my rock.

Are you a 'moonie?'

~Sam

)O(

believe what you will

O Summertime, how lovely you are!  Over abundance of flowers, fruit, and veggies in the garden - life at it's best... until a crazy sister in law at a family reunion cornered me and wondered why I never respond to her 'Praise the Lord' Facebook posts.  I honestly told her I just don't have time to respond to all my FB friends and their daily (hourly) status updates.  But her posts are special and she knows that the goodness of the lord will come down on me and my family if I will just start LIKING and SHARING her posts.  I told her that I didn't think that was the way it works.  My eyes glazed over as she lectured me on her beliefs...

Her beliefs - they work for her.  Wonderful.  Go for it. 

At some point I saw Darrin rolling his eyes - SIL's form of Christianity is scary as hell and even Darrin starts to doubt when this woman starts to preach.  She launched into a if you don't stand with me monologue that worried me because she has the fear of witches.  "Lord Jesus there are witches..."  I couldn't help but think that 'they' were closer than she realized.  While I didn't keep my mouth shut to save my life, I did keep my mouth shut to save the reunion and the rest of my family from her prejudices and preaching.

I'm back home now, safe for now, wondering how long I will keep silent.  At what point do I step forward and just explain myself.  I follow a natural path, my beliefs are my own and I chose not to believe in your god(s).  I still love you - please notice I've been good to you for years, not for a reward in heaven or because I fear hell, just because we are all creatures on this planet at this time.

Days growing shorter but this seems to be the hottest part of summer,
 only a few daisy blooms this late in the season.
I like how the buds look like fairies in the evening light.

All of us should be following what we believe.  I can't see life being any better than being free to believe and live as we want to, except maybe being able to tell anyone who asks "This is what I believe" and know that they will accept me and love me just as I am.

~ Sam

)O(

what is going on?

I sit here watching state houses around the U.S. 'saving babies.'  I am appalled that these people are elected officials - these law makers believe that if they shut down clinics where abortions can be legally performed that they are stopping abortions and saving babies.  How can any adult be so blind?  Most women (and girls) who choose to end their pregnancy will do so with or with out the 'permission' of the government. 

In my view these law makers (so many of them men!) are trying to make women stop having sex because they believe it is naughty.  Good girls should not enjoy sex outside of marriage and even then perhaps it would be better if they just didn't enjoy. 

All I see are people trying to prove how good they are by shutting down women's clinics, especially those with the name Planned Parenthood.  They have decided that Planned Parenthood is in league with the devil and anyone who makes money providing 'those services' is just evil and must be publicly shamed and gotten rid of - as soon as possible. 

Did it ever cross their minds that we know the number of abortions performed in this country because these facilities are regulated and required to keep statistics?  No one knows how many abortions were performed before Roe v. Wade because it was illegal. 

Watching the folks in Texas is heart breaking.  It looks like half the state will be without clinics if this bill passes.  How is this compassion for the poor?  How is this good for women?  During the last week or so, I read where sex education is very lacking in the state.  If these Texans really want to end abortions why are they not teaching birth control? 

I think this is being done to appease their god.  Forget that they tell stories of this god which include drowning all the world's population (except 8 who survived on a big boat with 2 of all the world's animals), a god who took his people out of slavery and then started teaching them how to treat their own slaves (the part about selling one's own daughter into slavery is a bit disconcerting), there's lots more I just don't want to read a bible tonight...

I do want to make the world a better place for the generations to come. 

Wake up People!  Register to vote.  Stay informed.  When the time comes VOTE.

Pro Choice is Pro Life

Thanks for letting me rant.  We should all be ranting - these laws affect women and men.  We must never take freedoms for granted.  Our grandmothers and mothers thought this was settled in 1973, why on earth are we still fighting this battle? 

~Sam

)O(

a year in the life

For just over a year now, I have followed a natural / pagan path.  A path of my own making, I guess I am 'the road less traveled' type of person. 

I have greeted sun rises and relaxed and enjoyed sun sets. 

Tuning into the seasons has been lovely.  Trying to just live in this moment. 

Today I enjoyed the heat, acknowledging that this is summer, the hottest time of the year, but even now the days have started to grow shorter.  The wheel is turning.

Just trying to enjoy the now and not go jumping ahead to what's next has been life changing for me.  Sure, sometimes I have to plan for the future, but I spent so much of my life worrying about what might or might not happen - I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I have been kind only because I wanted to be kind - not with the thought of getting a better seat in the afterlife, just because - maybe because something in me acknowledged something in another person and wanted to stop and mark this moment. 

I have tried to talk less, not because I have nothing to say.  Hell, I could jabber all night and still have things to chat about over morning coffee.  These days I see words as one of the most power tools on earth.  They build up and they can destroy.  I try to speak only what I want put out in the world.

Life is so much more peaceful.  I find myself less competitive these days - is that something that comes with wisdom or old age?

~Sam

)O(

totem toad

I have a list of wishes that I have brought to the attention of the universe over the course of this past year, and recently I got an answer to one of my desires.

I have no animal in my life to look after and love. I would prefer an indoor pet, but an outside pet would be much more practical for my situation (Darrin is highly allergic to animal dander). Here I was hoping that the Universe would throw me a cool totem - a Maine Coon Cat - my first choice. A beautiful owl would be a close second.  

Lighting a candle, planning my day, I acknowledged this desire and silently waited for the perfect totem to come to me. 

The sign I've been waiting for?

This little fellow just popped up at my house a couple of weeks ago and shows no sign of leaving. I got an old clay pot and put in my shade garden for his home and now seems like it might be time to name the little creature.   

I checked the meaning of toads with a few of my books and decided "If the shoe fits - keep the toad." It seems very content to stay here in my garden.

What's new with you?

~Sam

)O(

not ready to quit

I hope it's not a bad thing to go a month without posting.  I am on such a self discovery mission that all my spare time is spent learning.  While I am happy, relieved even, to be god free - I find myself in need of witchyness.

I have always seen witches as strong women and I want that.  I am that.  At the same time I only seek equality for women and men, gay and straight, whatever.  I suppose I'm growing up, and maybe wiser, and see less need for competition and more need for cooperation.

Dropping my Christian beliefs, including the one about Jesus coming back and starting the world over again, I now have a desire to take care of the planet for the generations to come.  This has been a big eye opener for me.  The health of this planet (our home)  is up to people living now, doing the right thing for the future. 

I have sadness for all the time I've wasted.  I have so much to learn.  And to share - I have started to open up to Darrin about the fact that I'm an atheist.  We've got a ways to go, but I have made a bit of progress. 

As for telling him about my witch journey - I'm still trying to figure out how to do that.

For a while, I considered giving up my 'witch blog.'  I even closed it for a week, but it is here that I take a few minutes to put into words some of the change going on in my life.  If you are making changes and blogging about it, let me know - I'm looking for inspiration. 

Last of this Spring's smiling pansies.

Hope you are having a wonderful Spring.  As the moon gets smaller I'm in a rush to clean out closets.  Somehow it just feels so right / natural / comfortable / EASY to throw things away during this phase of the moon. 

I have too many witchy habits to give up on everything.  I guess I'm just looking for a sign.  If I could have a Fairy come sit at my feet and visit with me, or if the spirit of one of my ancestors strolled into the room - I would grab my broom and dance around the neighborhood.

I need a little proof.

~Sam

)O(

coming out of the dark

The events of the past week have left me weak.  I have friends in Texas and only wish for them good things.  (How could this happen? - how could a fertilizer plant be anywhere near homes and schools?) 

I still can not believe that someone, anyone would just leave a couple of bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  (Was it to see how many people they could kill or injure.  Why on earth would people do this to other people?) 

A week like this reassures me that I'm on the right track - there is no god worth following, let alone worshipping.  A good god, even a mediocre one, would not let these kind of things happen. 

Many of my Facebook friends keep posting little sayings like ~

"God will make this all better."

"God has a plan."

"God will dry our tears."

Things will be made better by caring families, friends, neighbors, & communities, and with the help of state, local, and Federal government (that's right - who we vote into office matters on all levels). 

It will be our plans that help us move on through these tragedies (and try to prevent such things from happening in the future). 

And we are the ones who will dry each others' tears - for we know what it is like to cry.

First rose,
a sign of hope for me.

This evening, I am sad because of the destruction I have witnessed this week, but I have hope that my fellow humans will someday soon see that it is just us, and it is up to us to make the world a better place. 


~Sam

)O(

weeds

Not much time to blog these days, I'm weeding my garden and that keeps me very busy.  Darrin comes home some days and looks around the house, his morning coffee cup still on the kitchen counter and the mail unopened beside it.  "What did you do today?" he will ask me.  I'm usually covered in sweat and dirt (yes, you can sweat when it's cold outside - you just don't notice it until you come in and take your jacket off).  I'll tell him I've been working in the garden.  He usually gives me one of his puzzled looks.  How could I be so happy? 

I love working in the garden. Maybe it's because gardening comes so easy for me or maybe it's easy because I love it.  I'm totally organic here and every year I try to include a few more plants.  I see my garden someday bursting at the seams with beautiful plants everywhere and, maybe, just a small path of grass - not there yet, so I continue to collect plants.  I love learning the old names for plants, sometimes they seem more fitting than the garden shop names.

forsythia also known as yellow bells

I recently bought the book Garden Witchery by Ellen Dugan. It's full of cute garden projects sprinkled with witchy ideas.  I'm now looking for other books on this subject. Do you have (and use!) a favorite garden witch book? 

I can't help but look at the earth, especially this happy spot I call my own, and think how wonderful life is.  The earth providing us with so much - I can see why it is called Mother Earth.  That reminds me of the name Father Time - got to run, I have to get busy now and 'spring' my clocks ahead one hour.


~Sam

)O(

hidden symbols

Years ago, when we moved into our current home, one of the things that sold me on this house was the fireplace. As soon as the moving company left I was out shopping for a fireplace screen. My vision was a star which, sadly, I could not find anywhere. As the hot days of summer turned into chilly autumn evenings I was almost in a panic to find something - anything. I 'settled' for this one.

 It had a tag that proclaimed the design a Mariner's Compass.  "Big deal."  I thought, what does that mean to me? 
 

Sitting here early one morning, quietly meditating on my day, I noticed the Wheel of the Year.  I had started my day this way countless times, but on this day, because I had been studying the wheel of the year, I saw a hidden treasure.   

I'm enjoying my studies of celebrating / living my life based on what is going on in nature. It seems a much more peaceful way to live.  Now I look at my fireplace screen and I'm sure it was made just for me.


~Sam

)O(